I know it’s been far too long since I updated this blog, posted to Facebook, or did anything vaguely resembling socialising online, but I honestly have some really good reasons, some more joyful than the others. But before we get to the excuses (ahem), I would like to take the opportunity to apologise profusely to my friends in Blogland, particularly those who have reached out to me while I’ve been gone and who have received no response. I honestly wish I had’ve checked my emails and my blog comments while I was away. I can think of so many times that I absolutely needed to hear the wonderfully kind and thoughtful messages from you guys. Self sabotage much?
My blog reminds me of my little garden, gently neglected over the past grueling months.
I’ve been sitting on this post for weeks and weeks. It’s been languishing on my desktop for months, just waiting for a time when I felt strong enough and creative enough to give my all back to blogging. See, I absolutely love writing. I love writing about my gorgeous family, about food, spirituality, and pretty much everything else, but circumstances had made writing so difficult that in my mind, it snowballed into THE BIGGEST DEAL EVER and I began to lose faith that I could do it at all.
Well, a total catch-up post is absolutely necessary and forthcoming, but I wanted to get this post out as quickly as possible, considering how long I’ve been sitting on it! I’ll admit that I felt quite a bit better after writing all of this out and processing it myself, getting stronger (and wallowing in far less Catholic guilt each time), and really wanting my writing time back – the quiet moments with a cup of tea where I can just breathe out my world onto virtual paper.
But why was I gone so long?
1. I didn’t know where to start
For months now, I’ve gone over lines for this blog, over and over. I knew I should post, and that I wanted to write something, but I just didn’t know where to start, particularly in the early days of my absence.
How do you begin when there’s so much going on, and not much of it good?
How do you write about difficult and painful things in a blog-space that you had hoped would always be positive and full of light?
How could I write that I had allowed my spiritual goals to be squashed by outsiders, or that my DIY projects were just sitting in the shed, upsettingly half finished. I didn’t know how to answer these questions then, and I guess I still don’t, but I’m trying.
2. I just wasn’t ready to talk openly about my life as it was.
David and I have been going through some grueling and extremely difficult legal issues with our extended family which has brought up a whole variety of painful and difficult emotions. This has taken a huge amount of time, energy, and a whole lot of loving patience to deal with, leaving me with very little left for blogs, or anything else. I’ve simply been focusing on my beautiful family, and working through this ordeal.
I didn’t want to write about any of this publicly, (or even privately for that matter) not only because I wasn’t ready, but also because it isn’t particularly appropriate to speak about in a public forum. Honestly, I’m still not ready, but I thought that my friends and the few readers that I might have left (hi there!), probably deserve an honest (however brief and ineffective) explanation.
3. My faith feels frayed and a bit fried lately.
It’s hard to write a blog as a Catholic mama, when you’re going through a crisis of faith and aren’t honestly sure where to focus or how to claw it all back. While this has been a necessary albeit uncomfortable journey, it’s brought up so many important questions within me, about how to be a “good” Christian while remaining true to myself and my own beliefs.
4. I’ve been sick. Really sick… (but nothing to worry about)!
For the past 7 months, it’s taken just about every ounce of my energy to be the best mother to JJ that I can be, while consigning my poor husband to a (temporary) life of servitude. Everything else has kinda fallen by the wayside as I put all my focus on my little boy, my rebelling body, and keeping as strong and as healthy as possible. I know this sickness will pass soon enough, (I’m soooo much better now!) and that everything will be better super soon, but I’ll admit that I’m bloody sick of being sick!
I must say though, I’m doing much better lately (the way out is through!), and feel as though I’m now well enough to begin getting back into a routine with my blog where I worry less about what my readers might think of me, and more about sharing the good and the bad with love, integrity, and as much gentleness as I can muster.
I do have some very exciting things to share with you all super soon. Please keep checking in when you can, and as always, leave a comment. I would really love to get to know you.