The last couple of weeks seemed to drag by, yet looking back it all seems a blur.
My phone broke so I was offline for over a week while I sourced a new one (thank you, Ms. Autumn!). Freya was sick with two ear infections and a tonsil infection and was fighting huge fevers. Antibiotics gave her a massive rash and ended up with baby in the pram as I ran up a gigantic hill of doom on the way to the doctors surgery to squeeze in an emergency consultation before they closed. David was bitten by a gigantic massive unidentified spider which also landed us an emergency doctor’s appointment, JJ was away staying with family, and I came down with the sickness too. Anyone else disturbed? (If you get the reference, you get a cookie)
Thankfully David and Freya recovered from their ailments, I also survived, and JJ is home and back to school. Everything is back to normal but suffice to say, we’ve all been feeling less than stellar for a while now.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have some serious hangups about looking older than my years. I think to myself, “I’m a young mum!” and “I don’t feel old yet”, but then I take a look in the mirror and there it is in all its awfulness. After the last two weeks, It is just so much worse!
This isn’t just about wrinkles or pores (though those are there too), and it isn’t about vanity or selfishness. I’m unkempt half the time and I’m overweight and feel puffy and sluggish. My hair isn’t brushed, my clothes are falling apart, and I don’t remember the last time I went to the dentist or even drove the car. Seriously – I just stopped driving a while ago and haven’t since. I don’t even know why, except for that it was hard to drive in Melbourne and well, it was hard.
My house is relatively tidy and my kids are happy, but like many other mothers out there, I neglect my own needs.
I guess it’s just one of those things that is made worse by even well treated depression and anxiety. I know that it’s a symptom of a busy life and a super tight budget, but I don’t want my children to grow up watching their Mama barely scraping by on the appearence and cleanliness scale. I worry in particular for how it will change my daughter’s perspective on self care as she navigates her baby and toddler years and becomes an impressionable little girl.
I often remind need to remind myself that I do have a body that needs care. I do have a sense of self that needs to be strong and vibrant. I love dressing up, styling hair and makeup, and playing with fashion. I exist beyond my vocation and within it. I exist despite my craptastic brain chemicals.
I exist and I will find (and love) myself again.
Do you ever feel like you struggle with self care?